she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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