Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
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Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
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The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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