we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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