When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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