We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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