I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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