I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
