Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
