I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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