Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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