u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
