I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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