So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
