I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
