i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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