remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
