My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
