No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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