just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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