I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?