i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...