Just fell off a train. Bad.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
