My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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