i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul