If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.