she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship