Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
