Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
