Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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