ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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