I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
