walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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