Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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