literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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