Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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