i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
