I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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