What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
