YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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