In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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