We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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