I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
