I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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