I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
