piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
