i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
