ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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