I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
