you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
