It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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