i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
