A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
