I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
