I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize