My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
