Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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