i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
