i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
