i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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