Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
