I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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