I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
