The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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